My Break-Up Story..
I recently went through a major breakup—probably the biggest and most significant of my life—and no, it wasn’t with a person.
It was alcohol 🍸.. and my oh my – it’s been a long, drawn out and tumultuous affair!! A relationship that started innocently enough, but we ended up codependent and toxic..
I started drinking at 14 years.. And, like many of us, it was social & fun. However, looking back, I can see that it wasn’t the social-ness that we considered social and fun; it was the alcohol. As teenagers, we bypassed learning to have fun without it.
Sound familiar, anyone?
When I was pregnant & breastfeeding in my 20’s I had 5 years off the booze. When my youngest was 2 years old, I was straight back into it, for many years to come.
I prided myself on being a VERY FUN TIME 🥳 – thriving in any social setting, the life of the party & more often than not I was crowned ‘last man standing’ (Or dancing 💃).
I was wild, free, and fun, and I loved that part of myself. I loved alcohol and the person it helped me be. For a lot of years, I had a handle on it. I considered my drinking “normal”. Everyone was doing it – partying was what we did on the weekends.
The dark side was always there. I guess I just chose to ignore it, or justified it away under the small cost of being ‘fun’. I can’t count the times over my life I had ‘too much’ and ended on the vom train 🤮 or was so hung over I wasted away a Sunday on the couch or in bed. In my younger years it was just ‘part of the fun’ and worth it, but as I got older, more educated (you can’t ignore the freaking NEUROTOXIN bit) the more uncomfortable I began to feel.
Yet I just kept doing it. I can say with certainty now that I was most definitely in the high-functioning alcoholic category. For many years. Sounds more serious than it felt – but in reality, that’s what it was.
When I became a Nutritionist, I made an effort to ‘drink less’. I did annual ‘detoxes’, big chunks of time with no alcohol at all, had AFDs during the week etc BUT it continued to be a constant battle between the ‘healthy functioning nutritionist adult’ (knowing I was slowly poisoning myself ☠️ – even with the moderating I was doing) and the ‘fun time party Emma’ 🥂 (that didn’t care, and loved wine, parties & fun). I was a straight-up living & breathing oxymoron.
Some of the stories I told myself;
“It’s ok if it’s just on the weekend.”
“Everyone does it, it’s part of the Aussie Culture / it’s NORMAL”
“Humans have been drinking alcohol in some form or another for eons.”
“I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to.”
So much time and energy went into the moderating and justifying my drinking – I was in a constant wrestle with myself FOR YEARS & it was exhausting 😵💫.
Let me be clear, though – especially for previous clients who might be thinking “OMG – I went to this person for health advice”. I never let it affect my work & commitment to my clients. The last 10 years it was either 1 or 2 drinks (or none) during a work week, followed by a weekend binge (not every weekend).
Unless, of course I was on holidays, or a work conference, or it was someone’s birthday, or ‘fill in the blank’.. there were plenty of exceptions to the rules – except when I was working with clients.
But still, it was pretty ‘normal drinking’ by currently accepted social & cultural standards.. It was my own internal battle that was fucking with me.
(Note: BINGE DRINKING – I learned along the way somewhere – is anything more than TWO DRINKS, FFS. Also, why did they have to call it that - such an ugly word.. binge, cringe 🫣.. oof… yep)
When BF (Pete) had his accident, I started using Grey Goose (vodka) to ‘self-soothe’. We fell in love, me and the goose, BFFs. And oh, did it work – especially in those early days when Pete was in ICU – I had a 1-shot or 2-shot system, depending on the extremity of stress each day.
It was easily justified. Not just by me but by all – friends, family, society, and culture – everyone could understand “yes, yes, oh you poor thing – here have another one, you deserve it, you need it right now”. It was medicine for me then – I could feel it work and soothe my peaking nervous system ☺️.
Then my nervous system got used to it, then I craved it. All of a sudden I was using it to cope, with everything.
Me and my old mate got our claws in each other even more. From the outside, I still presented as ‘functional’ and ‘in control of it’. I stopped buying the Grey Goose because I knew that particular love affair was very dark and dangerous.
I was still constantly moderating & justifying with “I drink way less than I used to”, but I was also now deep in the habit of ‘using it to get through life’ and still social bingeing on the weekends (remember that is only anything more than two standard drinks!)
I had jumped off the merry-go-round but straight onto the roller coaster 🎢
It was when it started to affect my relationship with BF that things came to a head. And I am grateful he was brave enough to call me out. (There is a lot more background to this story, but here is not the place for it. Relationships can be our biggest healer or our greatest torment - they will bring up all our wounds and shit-ness. It’s our level of courage, emotional intelligence & our ability to communicate that determines which way it goes. Another blog post, maybe).
It wasn’t pretty looking it in the face, no, no fun at all. But I realised I was there, at the fork in the road. I already knew deep down I was going to stop completely one day (my intuition had told me that, over and over – lol, I just didn’t listen), so when I sat in the raw ugliness of it all, I knew that day had come. I was so sick of myself and the internal wrestle, and all the time I was wasting justifying the relationship. Once I realised “this was the day,” IT WAS EASY. I was ready 💪.
The switch was flipped, and I was a wagon rider!
Initially, I kept it mostly to myself. I didn’t make a big hoo-ha because I knew it would be hard for people to understand how done I was. Or they might think, “You can’t just become a non-drinker overnight because you decide you are”. Ironically it looks like that’s what I did – however, it wasn’t overnight – it was all the years of regret, judgement & self-mind-fuckery that lead up to ‘that day’ which prepared me for the breakup.
Even BF didn’t know the depths of my addiction and determination to stop drinking at first – my therapist certainly didn’t & suggested I go to AA because;
“alcoholics like you (even functioning ones) need structure & framework to make it last.”
“There will be (not might be) more rock bottoms.”
“What are you going to do when (not if) you fall off the wagon?”
All the narratives that usually go with it. But I knew I didn’t need the framework (after all, I am a rebel at heart 🤘) but I went along with it, quietly backing myself behind the scenes – like I say – it was a switch – and it was well and truly ‘flipped the fuck off’.
The best bit, well, there are three main ‘best bits’ for me;
🥰 All the time & energy that went into the moderating & justifying is now mine again, to do with what I choose. And the PEACE that comes with the quitting of all that fucking moderating effort and mind NOISE is blissful..
💪🏽 I’m extremely proud of myself – it’s very satisfying to end such a toxic and dysfunctional relationship. It literally took me YEARS to end it, but I have, and it’s big & incredibly EMPOWERING
✨ Now that alcohol (and the mind-numbing that goes with it) is out of the way the self-work I’m churning through is next level. The insights & connection I feel with myself, my friends, clients, other humans, nature, pets, life flow, etc, etc is SO AFFIRMING & positive.. My woo-woo has amplified beyond what I ever imagined (LOL – but it’s fucking rad, I love it). I’ve been doing self-work all the way through, that’s what prepped me – but now I’ve totally levelled up!
And you know the other thing.. *Incoming Wisdom 🦉; It’s not actually the substance itself (and that can be any substance or addiction or dysfunctional behaviour – alcohol, other drugs, sugar, shopping, gambling, people pleasing etc) but it’s the triggers and the behaviour around it that gives us the biggest insights into our self & the drivers – at some point it served us – gave us something we needed or filled a void. It was all the self-inquiry I did around WHY I drank – I actually already had the understanding, structure & framework in place to break the ‘addiction’ (and stick to it) when the time came. I’m not sure where it leaves my ‘forever relationship’ with my old mate – like I’m not convinced I can never hang out with her again in small doses, or party girl Emma can never come out of her seat up the back of the bus. I’m so self-assured with the ‘break up’ and what I’ve gained even in a few short months – I know I’ll never ever get back on that ride. I can’t wait to see what I can create with all the extra time, energy & ‘me-ness’ (authenticity) I have now.
I can imagine having a nice glass of wine with a meal, or a nice glass of bubbles for a celebration.
PS – I know this is not standard for the sober movement, but as previously mentioned – I’ve always been a rebel!
Also, BF reminded me I was ‘bred in the grapes’ (growing up in Red Hill on the Mornington Peninsula) & that ‘high end pinot noir is in our veins here’ LOL 😂
Pinot Noir always was my fave 🍷